Musings in Isolation

If inside your head was a room, how would it be decorated? What style would best describe the space that is your mind?

A rather abstract thought. I think my brain “room” would be neat, organized and cheery colored walls with morbid, dark art hanging. In real life, I detest morbid art. I think it’s unsightly. In my heart I am a neat, controlled individual with an ever underlying awareness of evil, anger and frustration. I’m probably not unique in this, in fact I know I’m not. My uniqueness just probably lies in being so aware of it.

I’ve had the good fortunate of working from home since October of 2021. I am a substance abuse counselor and I’ve wanted to work from home for a long time. I was taken by surprise the toll it would take on me mentally to have all this time alone with myself.

I sat in bed one night and told my husband as it struck me strongly “I could die in our house and no one would notice other than you for over a week!” We live in a cabin an hour from the grocery store, no cell reception. Life at home isn’t just a cozy working from home situation, it’s isolation from the outside world. In our old town, this realization that I could die and no on would notice would never have happened. We had noisy neighbors on all sides.

The point is - I’m not sitting here feeling sorry for myself — I came to realize how little of a person I am in this big old world. Our social media account trick us into thinking we are more than we are. The relationships we hold allow us to know we would be missed. Even a person with low self-esteem has enough self-centeredness to believe their world is quite big because of themselves. I don’t see any human beings accept for when I go to the grocery store. Not a single one other than my spouse. I am just myself. I am not myself + possessions. I am not myself + status. I am not myself + reputation. I am not myself + plus my kids or family entity. I am not myself + that girl that is a regular at the Starbucks drive through. I am not myself + church family. It’s just me at home.

All in all, it’s humbling really. I’m just a pin prick. It drives me towards God because what else is there?